Memories

They say that scent is the strongest trigger to memories,

and let me tell you how true that is. I was outside today

and people across the road were snowmobiling,

I could smell the exhaust and just like that my head

started overflowing with memories of him.

You see he always smelt like the inside of a body shop,

because he always worked on some kind of engine,

really that's my favorite smell in the world, I've always

been attracted to it. So when I smelt the exhaust he

was the only thing that flew through my mind,

not to mention the thought of knowing that I'm alone.

I can't stand to be alone, and the pain has gotten worse.

I've tried to be okay, I really have but the way I deal

with everything I feel will hurt me in the long run.

I've been drinking and cutting more than I ever have,

I know that its not right and that I shouldn't but I've just

gotten to the point where I don't know what else to do

or where to turn. I feel so lost. I'm just afraid I wont

make it this time.

Alone, Alone, Alone

The world is dark,

like the color in my heart,

and the people all seem to

be in fast forward as

I remain in play.

They don't even notice when

I cry. Day after day goes by

and still no one sees

the tears in my eyes.

My home is filled with life

except the parts where I roam

and think of using my knife.

Now I wonder if I died would anyone

notice, if I died would they care?

I think the answer will be no

but as Dorothy once said as

she tapped her shoes

"There's no place like home"

unless your forgotten or always Alone.

10 things I hate about I

10 Things I Hate about I

I hate the way I look,

I hate the way I dress,
I hate the way feel always so depressed,

I hate it that I love him, he's always on my mind,
I hate the way I take just one day at a time,

I hate not beaing happy and when I smile there really frowns,

I hate not looking up but always looking down,

I hate that I am shy and yet I don't know why,

I hate that when I think of things I always seem to cry,

but most of all I hate that no one wants to look into my eyes

and see the person I truly am oh so deep inside.

Broken Pieces

Broken Pieces

They think I'm okay but I'm not, They think I don't hurt but I'm drowning in pain. I tried so hard to forget what happened but every time I turn around someone brings it up, I don't want to remember how much he hurt me, I want to stop crying myself to sleep hoping everything will be alright but they never are I'll never be me again. They think that I'm happy but I'm sad, They see me in crowds but I'm lonely. I hate to sleep for I fear my dreams, I hate to be awake for I fear my Thoughts, so I'm stuck no matter what I do and every time I think or dream its of you, I know you never loved me as I did you and I know I was just used sadly by you. That's when my heart was shattered and nobody not even me has been able to put together all the broken pieces. They think I'm complete but I'm empty, They think I'm not dying but slowly I do, dying in the inside constantly weeping, constantly drowning, constantly so constantly....me.

Mama

Mama
You worked for my breath and held on to me tight,

I knew you were tired as I cried threw the night.

Now times moved on and I grew older,

needing you less but still cry on your sholder.

You've helped me fight battels I've declared on myself,

you wipe away tears when there's nobody else.

You love me threw good times, even more threw the bad

because you are my mother and that makes me so glad.

I'll love you mama forever for all that you do

and I'll carry you with me until the end is through.

Stronger

That was the last straw, He won't hurt me like that again.
I won't let him hurt me again, I'm stronger than that.
One day I'll have everything and be everything, he'll
still be a worthless nothing like he always has been.
One day he'll realize what he gave up and want it back
but he will never get it back! he would have had everything,
I gave him everything, but because of his stupidity he'll
have nothing and I don't care anymore. I don't need him,
and I will be okay. My heart will heal without him. As of right now.....

I don't love him anymore!!!

Slipping sisters

Time is slipping into darkness into nothing.

We once were close, now apart but

I still remember hide and seek

just you and me in the park.

We talked all night about our dreams

and our fears, now there is nothing

but sad empty tears.

We are sisters and were best friends.

I miss the closeness, I miss the time.

I know we'll always be sisters, but

our friend ship it seems has slipped

into darkness into nothing.

Trying to be okay

Everyday it kills me a little

more as I try to be okay with

the fact that he's no longer

here. I'm still living little

by little, working through

the pain. He left me for her

and he's not coming back.

The sad thing is he took my

heart, my childhood,my

innocents, and won't or can't give any of that back to me.

He tells me now that he wants to marry her, and I

faked a smile as I told him that it was great, in the inside

I was screaming "I hate her", and I really do. I gave him

everything and he gave her the best of him, while I was left

alone with nothing. I'm trying to be okay, but it hurts so

much and I don't know how much longer I can hang on,

I feel I'm to week to fight anymore, I give up.....Again!

Missing

You won't cry for absence I know,

you forgot me long ago.

Am I that unimpotant?

Am I that insignificant?

Isen't something missing?

Isen't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice,

you won't try for me, not now.

Though I'd die to know you love me,

I'm all alone.

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,

knowing you don't care.

And if I sleep, just to dream of you

I'll wake without you there,

isent something missing?

Isent someone missing me?

~Evanescence~

Cut

They say that once you let

yourself love someone that

they become forever a part

of you and who you are.

I know now that's why I bleed,

because I'm trying to cut him

out of me, cut him out of who

I am and what he's made me

become, maybe one day I'll

accomplish it so I'll be able

to just forget.