No way out

I haven't slashed my arm open in about a month now, but that don't mean I haven't thought about it. Something, or someone, or maybe even myself has stopped me from doing it. But nothing will stop me tonight. I need a good lashing and my blood will spill. I know it kinda sounds like I do it because I like it but I don't, I'm just so sick of so many things and I don't know how else to deal with it all. I have nobody anymore and sometimes family's not enough. My best friend in the whole world left for college but we've grown apart months before that. I miss her so much, but she only has time for her boyfriend, and her other friends, I feel I don't even matter to her anymore. I've tried to talk to her about it but all she can say is "I've been busy." I understand that she has Homework and school, but what about all the time she has for her boyfriend or all her other better friends? Whatever it don't matter because I don't matter. The love of my life left me and doesn't even care anymore, I don't think he ever really did. He put me into this hole and every time I'm about to escape it, he or his stupid girl drags me back down. I should hate him. I should hate him so much that it hurts, but my heart says I love him so much that I can't breath. I know he'll never come back, he has her now and they have both put me through so much shit. I can't do it again. I won't. So you see I have no one anymore, not even someone to talk to. Solitude is all I feel even in a crowd or a group of my family, every ones so happy, But like I said sometimes family's not enough. There's no way out, no where to turn, no one to turn to, so I grab the blade and grip it tight.........Blood........Release!