No way out

I haven't slashed my arm open in about a month now, but that don't mean I haven't thought about it. Something, or someone, or maybe even myself has stopped me from doing it. But nothing will stop me tonight. I need a good lashing and my blood will spill. I know it kinda sounds like I do it because I like it but I don't, I'm just so sick of so many things and I don't know how else to deal with it all. I have nobody anymore and sometimes family's not enough. My best friend in the whole world left for college but we've grown apart months before that. I miss her so much, but she only has time for her boyfriend, and her other friends, I feel I don't even matter to her anymore. I've tried to talk to her about it but all she can say is "I've been busy." I understand that she has Homework and school, but what about all the time she has for her boyfriend or all her other better friends? Whatever it don't matter because I don't matter. The love of my life left me and doesn't even care anymore, I don't think he ever really did. He put me into this hole and every time I'm about to escape it, he or his stupid girl drags me back down. I should hate him. I should hate him so much that it hurts, but my heart says I love him so much that I can't breath. I know he'll never come back, he has her now and they have both put me through so much shit. I can't do it again. I won't. So you see I have no one anymore, not even someone to talk to. Solitude is all I feel even in a crowd or a group of my family, every ones so happy, But like I said sometimes family's not enough. There's no way out, no where to turn, no one to turn to, so I grab the blade and grip it tight.........Blood........Release!

Never again

So A few weeks ago, I get another message from him on my AIM. It said " Who is this?" I knew right then that it wasn't him because he knows my screen name. So I just played along and said "Who is this?" the reply said his name, So I just told them who I was and just like that they jumped down my throat and started saying " I knew it, This isn't him, its his girl, and you better stay away from him and stop talking to him" I got so mad and upset so I replied "He contacted me first!" All of a sudden she got real nice and said " oh I'm sorry, can you tell me what you talked about" as if I was going to just tell her everything. I just said nope and signed off. A few day's later he messaged me and said " You need to stop lying and telling people we are hooking up" I was so confused so I replied " What?" He told me that his girl and mom keeps telling him that I told them that we've been hooking up I told him I haven't even seen him or his family since he left. He didn't believe me and just kept yelling at me to stop my lying . I had enough at this point and said "I'm not going through this shit again, I don't care If you have nobody any more, you will NEVER come back here!" End of story I haven't heard from him since.

Help please!!!

It was out of the blue, out of nowhere. My phone just went off and a text message appeared, the message said "Hey". It was a number I didn't recognize, so naturally I replied "Who is this". The next message I received made my heart just drop, It was him. I had to hold back tears as I replied "oh um hey how are you?" in which he replied "not to well, how bout you?" I thought a minute and responded "not to well myself", then I asked him what was wrong. He told me he had no family left because finally told his mom to fuck off, in which knowing his mother he needed to, always putting him down, calling him stupid, saying he's trash. but anyway. I then asked "what about your girl?" I cringed as a wrote it. He told me he was getting sick of her. I told him, he had a good family here where I am and that everyone loved him, my mother treated him as if he was her own, the same with my father. and I, I gave him everything. He told me he wished he had never left, I didn't know what to say so I just said "you don't know the hell I went through when you left" He told me he was sorry and that he thought leaving was for the best but he's See's now that it wasn't and that he wants to come home. I told him I needed to think and talk it over with my family and most of all you guys, those who have read my posts and know what I've been through, Please I need your advice, My head is screaming "No do not let him, It'll happen again", but My heart is yelling "But you love him." What do I do?!?!

The Worlds Game

The world is changing, Time growing older, and our days become nothing but over seen reruns. Life dragged on through black and then white has lost our innocents to play, in such childish ways. Man has shed oh so many tears, through broken hearts, through misplaced years. A loss of will, a fall from grace has left us all in a curl twisted fate. Try to hold back, try to hang on but the world keeps changing and time says to move on. No more fighting, no more names, just one last tear to end the game.

Notebook

I read her notebook. A lot of the what I read

hit me at home. It sounded as though she felt the

way they way that I feel, and it scares me.

No one should feel like shit this much.

I read in her notebook that she feels safe

around me. How?!? I don't understand how or who could

find safety in me, when I'm not or ever have felt safe.

I cut myself, I have the scars, I'm not great,

I don't deserve to have to have such friends who find

so much in me when I find so little. I wish I could

help her, I wish I knew what to say, but how can I help

her take the pain away when mines so Strong?

What can I do? No one should suffer as I do,

I'm the only person who deserves nothing but pain

and hurt. And though I don't know why I deserve it,

I know I just do!

My Friend....My Sister

I miss you! You were my

best friend,pretty much

my sister.Tell me again

why we grew apart.

We've had so many

broken plans and tons

of unkept promises.

So many memories in

so many years. How

could we just throw it

away?!? Would you

still stand beside me the

day I get married as my

maid of Honor?!? Would

you cry at my funeral the

day that I'm gone, right
now those spots are empty

they were made for only you,

and if you don't stand there than

what am I to do. You were the

only friend Ihad who I know

would never leave but just

like everything else I'm wrong

about that too.

Damn the night!

Days are hard, nights even harder. Sitting alone, listening to me in my head, it's the most harmful thing. That's when I hurt myself the most, I think that I'm okay, I don't miss him at all, in fact I even HATE him.... I hate him I hate him I......love him. Damn It! I hate that I do, and I know that I shouldn't. He messed me up so damn bad, he lied to me, he broke his promises and he left me for her, I gave him my best but his best he gave to her. I'm so tried of being alone, so sick of crying. I long for his touch, for him to just hold me like he used to. I've tried everything to forget I've been sober, I've been drunk but I still miss him after all I am scaring for him.... Every night I think about it I scar a little more.

Remember December

It's been six years

since you've departed from our lives,

And I fear I'm starting to forget your face.

I close my eyes tightly,

to try and remember,

but the picture it seems has faded,

like that cold, lonely December.

Your voice is distant,

your laugh so faint

and I seem to be filled

with guilt, anger, and hate.

I hate that I'm forgetting you,

so angry to let you escape,

guilty for not remembering

and letting it all grow out of date.

Every night I dream of you,

but the memories so unclear

and all I have are memories

which fade throughout the years.

One day soon

I hope I'm standing

right there where you are,

look into your smiling face

and know just who you are.

~~~~~~~~~

For My Grandfather

December 2003

Reacurring Nightmare!

In this dream....This nightmare, Its as if I had been asleep, I never saw myself asleep but it was as if I had been. I suddenly just opened my eyes and for some reason I was in our family's old van, with my family. I didn't know how I got there or where we were going, but everyone seemed to be sad and upset. No one said a word except the occasional word exchange from my parents. We soon pulled into a busy driveway connected to a white building that said Funeral Home on a sign outside. I've been there before. It had been the same funeral home we had used for my great grandmother, great Aunt, and grandfathers funeral. When I read the sign I thought in an instant, Oh My God! Who died? What happened? I watched in confusement and familiarity as more of my family walked in, most of which were in tears, then finally I walked in. I had to figure this out, who was it that died. I seen a podium and on it were cards with my Grandfathers name on them, and just like that it was if something had hit me, WHAT?!? I exclaimed to myself, what is going on? This has already happened, This can't be real. I had to see it for myself, I had to see him. I waited anxiously in a line of people saying there last goodbye's...again. It finally came to my turn, and sure enough I was staring into the face of my lifeless grandfather. In the casket were the items...the memories of things that the people...my family had put in with him....again. Shocked and confused I sat as the service began. I blankly listened to the words and prayers of the Pasteur....again. The Pasteur....again asked if there was anyone who wanted to say and share a few words, I watched as my second cousin Nancy got up to read a poem she had written, as she recited her poem, I mouthed some of the words for somehow I had already heard it. When she finished my mother tapped my shoulder, Startled I jumped then turned to look at her, she handed me a piece of paper and said "Go its your turn". Clueless I got up and walked to the front of the room. I looked down at the paper, then then up at my many family, some in smiles most in tears. I looked back down at the paper...the poem I had written for my grandfather. I didn't speak a word for I had already read this poem to this room of people who have never heard it before. I slowly turned my head to look at my grandfather laying in the casket, and walked over to him, I whispered to him "Whats going on? All of this has happened already. Still looking at him, I started screaming out loud WHATS GOING ON?!? WE'VE ALREADY DONE THIS! THIS AIN'T REAL! I CAN'T SAY GOODBYE AGAIN! I CAN'T! I was hysterical, my dad, mother, uncle and aunt all had to come up and drag me out of the room, Desperately trying to get me to calm down but I just couldn't. I was the only one there who had done this twice, and as they continued to try and calm me down I woke up. I was in a cold sweat and my heart was racing, It was a dream?!? It felt so real, to real to just be a dream.....but a dream I guess It had only been.

A Lost Forever

I went to bed alone again last night,

I'm slowly realizing that its going to be okay.
I know now that what we had wasn't real,
and that everything we've been through was fake.
How can Love be so blind?
He was perfect in my eye's.
I was the only one who couldn't see it,
how much damage he was doing to me.
Love is such a four letter lie,
Whats happened to Loves truth?
Trapped forever in the eye's of a stranger.
I know I'll Love him forever,
but that forever has come and gone,
and as I walk to bed alone again tonight I'll know..........
That everything is going to be alright.

One Day He will Say:

I am so blind, I did not not see

you standing right in front of me.

When you said that you loved me

I should have knew, that all I

wanted in this world was you.

You gave me everything, your

heart and devotion, All I did was

use you and play with your

emotions. You told me one

day that you would be gone.

I said yeah right, but I guess

I was wrong. I realized to late

how truly I love you, cause

your standing there with

him and just said I do.

Dear Love

Her wounds they bleed, Her eye's they cry,
All the pain she tries to hide.
She fakes a smile and then a laugh,
inside she weeps, the hurt is much to deep.
She sits at home,
overwhelming with pain,
so terrified of being alone.
Her arm coverd in scars and lashes,
there's no way out,
she fears she's lost it.
No happiness, No love,
she waits for him to come,

the reaper can take her away.

Hold on dear love for soon it'll all be okay.

Memories

They say that scent is the strongest trigger to memories,

and let me tell you how true that is. I was outside today

and people across the road were snowmobiling,

I could smell the exhaust and just like that my head

started overflowing with memories of him.

You see he always smelt like the inside of a body shop,

because he always worked on some kind of engine,

really that's my favorite smell in the world, I've always

been attracted to it. So when I smelt the exhaust he

was the only thing that flew through my mind,

not to mention the thought of knowing that I'm alone.

I can't stand to be alone, and the pain has gotten worse.

I've tried to be okay, I really have but the way I deal

with everything I feel will hurt me in the long run.

I've been drinking and cutting more than I ever have,

I know that its not right and that I shouldn't but I've just

gotten to the point where I don't know what else to do

or where to turn. I feel so lost. I'm just afraid I wont

make it this time.

Alone, Alone, Alone

The world is dark,

like the color in my heart,

and the people all seem to

be in fast forward as

I remain in play.

They don't even notice when

I cry. Day after day goes by

and still no one sees

the tears in my eyes.

My home is filled with life

except the parts where I roam

and think of using my knife.

Now I wonder if I died would anyone

notice, if I died would they care?

I think the answer will be no

but as Dorothy once said as

she tapped her shoes

"There's no place like home"

unless your forgotten or always Alone.

10 things I hate about I

10 Things I Hate about I

I hate the way I look,

I hate the way I dress,
I hate the way feel always so depressed,

I hate it that I love him, he's always on my mind,
I hate the way I take just one day at a time,

I hate not beaing happy and when I smile there really frowns,

I hate not looking up but always looking down,

I hate that I am shy and yet I don't know why,

I hate that when I think of things I always seem to cry,

but most of all I hate that no one wants to look into my eyes

and see the person I truly am oh so deep inside.

Broken Pieces

Broken Pieces

They think I'm okay but I'm not, They think I don't hurt but I'm drowning in pain. I tried so hard to forget what happened but every time I turn around someone brings it up, I don't want to remember how much he hurt me, I want to stop crying myself to sleep hoping everything will be alright but they never are I'll never be me again. They think that I'm happy but I'm sad, They see me in crowds but I'm lonely. I hate to sleep for I fear my dreams, I hate to be awake for I fear my Thoughts, so I'm stuck no matter what I do and every time I think or dream its of you, I know you never loved me as I did you and I know I was just used sadly by you. That's when my heart was shattered and nobody not even me has been able to put together all the broken pieces. They think I'm complete but I'm empty, They think I'm not dying but slowly I do, dying in the inside constantly weeping, constantly drowning, constantly so constantly....me.

Mama

Mama
You worked for my breath and held on to me tight,

I knew you were tired as I cried threw the night.

Now times moved on and I grew older,

needing you less but still cry on your sholder.

You've helped me fight battels I've declared on myself,

you wipe away tears when there's nobody else.

You love me threw good times, even more threw the bad

because you are my mother and that makes me so glad.

I'll love you mama forever for all that you do

and I'll carry you with me until the end is through.

Stronger

That was the last straw, He won't hurt me like that again.
I won't let him hurt me again, I'm stronger than that.
One day I'll have everything and be everything, he'll
still be a worthless nothing like he always has been.
One day he'll realize what he gave up and want it back
but he will never get it back! he would have had everything,
I gave him everything, but because of his stupidity he'll
have nothing and I don't care anymore. I don't need him,
and I will be okay. My heart will heal without him. As of right now.....

I don't love him anymore!!!

Slipping sisters

Time is slipping into darkness into nothing.

We once were close, now apart but

I still remember hide and seek

just you and me in the park.

We talked all night about our dreams

and our fears, now there is nothing

but sad empty tears.

We are sisters and were best friends.

I miss the closeness, I miss the time.

I know we'll always be sisters, but

our friend ship it seems has slipped

into darkness into nothing.

Trying to be okay

Everyday it kills me a little

more as I try to be okay with

the fact that he's no longer

here. I'm still living little

by little, working through

the pain. He left me for her

and he's not coming back.

The sad thing is he took my

heart, my childhood,my

innocents, and won't or can't give any of that back to me.

He tells me now that he wants to marry her, and I

faked a smile as I told him that it was great, in the inside

I was screaming "I hate her", and I really do. I gave him

everything and he gave her the best of him, while I was left

alone with nothing. I'm trying to be okay, but it hurts so

much and I don't know how much longer I can hang on,

I feel I'm to week to fight anymore, I give up.....Again!

Missing

You won't cry for absence I know,

you forgot me long ago.

Am I that unimpotant?

Am I that insignificant?

Isen't something missing?

Isen't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice,

you won't try for me, not now.

Though I'd die to know you love me,

I'm all alone.

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,

knowing you don't care.

And if I sleep, just to dream of you

I'll wake without you there,

isent something missing?

Isent someone missing me?

~Evanescence~

Cut

They say that once you let

yourself love someone that

they become forever a part

of you and who you are.

I know now that's why I bleed,

because I'm trying to cut him

out of me, cut him out of who

I am and what he's made me

become, maybe one day I'll

accomplish it so I'll be able

to just forget.

Drowning

The pain is consuming me and like a river

I'm drowning in it, The pain is over my head,

I can't escape, I can't swim. I'm left floating

in the pain and there's no land around for me

to escape, just the hurt of drowning.

Bleeding heart

The bleeding heart

Flower of Broken Love!

In his arms

I still lay in bed wishing

I was I was laying in

his arms....

But it will never be

again and some how

I have to fave that.

Nightmares

The nightmares wont go away
and every night there the same...

The mans doing it to me again,
I yell his name to save me, but he
doesn't come...

I wake up, he's not here to protect
me anymore...

I'm so alone.

All my fault

The bad man raped me all while

he was in the next room, I can't

stop blaming myself for what that

man did to me and I feel like such

a dirty whore. I know that it's not

his fault because he didn't know.....

but he should have saved me!

Suicide

You have know idea what

it feels like to walk past a sharp

object and wonder what would

happen if you were to just slide

it across you wrist, or to

have a simple head ache and go to

take a couple pills and as you

dump them in your hand you

wonder why you shouldn't just

take a few more, you don't know

what it feels like...you don't

feel the hurt.

Alone

They say there's someone out there for

everyone, but deep down I know
I'm meant for no one and I'll always
be alone, And that scares me. I don't
want to be alone, I'm afraid to be alone.

In Your Eye's

In your eye's I found love,

In your eye's I found hate,

In your eye's I found beauty, but

In your eye's I was sadly misplaced.

Loss of innocents

Every day the pain gets worse because your not with me,

some days the pain gets so intense that I can barely breath.
Every night I lay in my room alone and cry, and think
so sadly of how badly I really want to die.
And every night when the world goes to sleep,
I lay wake and think, I remember that night clearly,
I was fourteen and you were my brother's best friend.
Everyone was sound to sleep but we were awake and
made love in my room on my bed.
Then one day I told you I loved you and you said it too
but words were just wasted cause that wasn't true.
You soon broke my heart and left me here alone, leaving
me behind to face the cold cruel world on my own.
Your the only one that I want by my side and no matter
what happens I'll unfortunately love you until the day I die.

Lonly Grave

Maybe this will be the night

that I don't wake up and

if I don't, then I want you

to spit on my Grave to let me

know that you never cared!

Helpless

It just seems like you build your whole

life around them,

and when there gone your walls

come crashing down and your left

feeling helpless and alone....
sadly I know how this feels and it hurts, so
much more than you can explain.

Blood

I made everyone believe

I stopped cutting myself....

Truth is I've just gotten

better at hiding the scars.

And I'll cut myself once

for everyday he's not

with me!

It hurts

I'm trying to be okay, I really am

but it hurts so much and the pain
gets worse every day.

It's even become a war everyday
to fight back the tears....
and I'm afraid I'm losing.

Forget

How am I suposed to just forget

the way it felt when he held me,

touched me, or just kissed me?

He's not mine... he never was

and he never will be, so why

can't I just let him go?

Stop

Know matter what I do

I can't seem to stop

crying over him.

Can't let go

I love someone who's hurt me
again and again, I know that
I shouldn't, but I can't seem
to let him go!

Not coming back

I loved him and let him go

but he didn't come back to me

which means he was never

really mine to love.

I have to face it.....

he will never be mine,

and I'll always be alone.