Notebook

I read her notebook. A lot of the what I read

hit me at home. It sounded as though she felt the

way they way that I feel, and it scares me.

No one should feel like shit this much.

I read in her notebook that she feels safe

around me. How?!? I don't understand how or who could

find safety in me, when I'm not or ever have felt safe.

I cut myself, I have the scars, I'm not great,

I don't deserve to have to have such friends who find

so much in me when I find so little. I wish I could

help her, I wish I knew what to say, but how can I help

her take the pain away when mines so Strong?

What can I do? No one should suffer as I do,

I'm the only person who deserves nothing but pain

and hurt. And though I don't know why I deserve it,

I know I just do!

My Friend....My Sister

I miss you! You were my

best friend,pretty much

my sister.Tell me again

why we grew apart.

We've had so many

broken plans and tons

of unkept promises.

So many memories in

so many years. How

could we just throw it

away?!? Would you

still stand beside me the

day I get married as my

maid of Honor?!? Would

you cry at my funeral the

day that I'm gone, right
now those spots are empty

they were made for only you,

and if you don't stand there than

what am I to do. You were the

only friend Ihad who I know

would never leave but just

like everything else I'm wrong

about that too.

Damn the night!

Days are hard, nights even harder. Sitting alone, listening to me in my head, it's the most harmful thing. That's when I hurt myself the most, I think that I'm okay, I don't miss him at all, in fact I even HATE him.... I hate him I hate him I......love him. Damn It! I hate that I do, and I know that I shouldn't. He messed me up so damn bad, he lied to me, he broke his promises and he left me for her, I gave him my best but his best he gave to her. I'm so tried of being alone, so sick of crying. I long for his touch, for him to just hold me like he used to. I've tried everything to forget I've been sober, I've been drunk but I still miss him after all I am scaring for him.... Every night I think about it I scar a little more.

Remember December

It's been six years

since you've departed from our lives,

And I fear I'm starting to forget your face.

I close my eyes tightly,

to try and remember,

but the picture it seems has faded,

like that cold, lonely December.

Your voice is distant,

your laugh so faint

and I seem to be filled

with guilt, anger, and hate.

I hate that I'm forgetting you,

so angry to let you escape,

guilty for not remembering

and letting it all grow out of date.

Every night I dream of you,

but the memories so unclear

and all I have are memories

which fade throughout the years.

One day soon

I hope I'm standing

right there where you are,

look into your smiling face

and know just who you are.

~~~~~~~~~

For My Grandfather

December 2003