Goodbye

This is the end.....Goodbye!

No Change

Things haven't changed.....Things will never change.
He still talks to and texts her on his phone.
I know they are still together, although I'm not sure how
because once again he's living here and yes sleeps in
my bed and yes we do have sex. So if he is still with
her, he's cheating on her. I'm so sorry to everyone
and myself....I broke my promise......I fell again, and
sadly I know it's me who will only get hurt yet again.
It's like I'm trying so hard to reach out for his hand
but I grab a hold of nothing every time because he
let me fall along time ago and for some stupid reason
I can't stop loving him.....I can't let go.

My Weakness

My head gets lite and dizzy,

my hands get all sweaty,

and my knees start to shake.

I can't believe how weak

he makes me feel......
He's like my Kryptonite.

A few more Secrets

I spent over an hour on the phone

with the Suicide Hot Line last night,

the girl I taked to helped me way more

than she'll ever know, and I don't

even know her name.

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I miss the Little things

the most.

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I sometimes wish that I was

having his baby, so maybe

he would stay, and I would

have someone who would

actually loved me.

Messed up

Things have been a little crazy and somewhat messed up, in a good way? I'm not sure. He told me things and made me new promises, my heart yells I believe you, my head screams Bull shit! I can't believe him again, I've heard it all before, nothings changed. And Although I love him more than anything, I wont fall again, I promise you and myself that I will never let him drag me down again.

Crazy Things

So you know what I said. " Goodbye to him forever. " Well about a Monday ago he showed up, no phone call, no nothing he just showed up. It took me forever to gain the courage to even leave my room to see him, but when I did... Nothing. I felt nothing, at least I thought I felt nothing. Could this mean I'm over it, over him?!? So we talked awhile and then in a serous voice I asked Why did you come back? He told me that he's been thinking about me and the way we said goodbye and that he wanted to apologize for hurting me, he also said that he's not with her anymore. I didn't care. It soon got late and I told him that its alright if he stayed. We got to talking in my room and soon he fell asleep on my bed I thought about it for a moment and then decided that it wouldn't be weird and just let him sleep with me. The next day he went home but came back the next day. And stayed a few days. See he was my brothers friend so I couldn't just say no, and besides I missed his friendship ( That's it, just the Friendship ) So Friday came around and my brother had to work and the rest of my family went shopping.... We were alone. but hey we were friends it wasn't weird. He asked what I wanted to do, I suggested a nice game of Poker, which kinda turned into a dirty game of Strip Poker. We were both down to nothing but our skin and we had to start betting other things like a kiss or something, we were on our last hand and he lost but I didn't know what I wanted, then I said " what about Sex on the water bed " (AKA my parents bed) he said if that's what you want. It wasn't passionate or loving, It was just hard core sex which may I add only lasted about five minutes, I said things I would never had said before, It was tense and it was AMAZING. When it was over I got up, looked at him and said Good Game. I didn't feel the old time butter flys or that warm feeling inside knowing I was with him. I felt nothing, It meant Nothing... To me anyway. Later I noticed him texing someone on his phone, and I kinda had the suspicion that he was still with her, and again I didn't care, If he is still with her he cheated on her with me which in a weird way makes me smile. He went home last night, said he would be back today, but even if he doesn't like I kinda think he wont, It wont matter because I'm finally okay. Oh the Crazy Things.

More Wonderful News (Not)

So now he contacted my sister, trying to get my number from her, so he can contact me. I've been through to much struggling to delete him from my life and he wants to get back in. I Don't Think So! He's hurt me to much and to many times and I've made to much progress to let him drag me back down, I'm way to much better than that and I'm finally starting to realize it. So Goodbye to him FOREVER!

The Darkness

The darkness was calling, Come with me it said, My voice was scared and tired as I asked but where? and in a soft, gentle voice it spoke take my hand and don't be afraid, you wont be alone, you'll be okay. I reached into the darkness and grasped onto its hand. I was brought en to a better place, with such a warm and happy embrace, I smiled so big and laughed so free, it was a person I once long ago used to be. The time now has come the the darkness did say, its time to live another day. The people there were so loving, and kind, I didn't want to say goodbye, but it gabbed my hand and I closed my eye's, the world got colder and I was alive, its voice was now a memory but as my eye's filled up with tears I heard a faint whisper say close to my ear, we'll meet again dear love now please don't cry, this is not our last goodbye.

A few of my Secrets (Shhhh don't tell)

People only know what I tell them,

They don't know the whole truth.

And maybe

if I just keep telling the half truth,

I'll start to believe it myself....

Instead of what really happened to me.

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I stay up all night long,

until I can't even keep my eye's open,

Because I'm afraid to go to bed alone.

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I sometimes blame him because

of who I've become, But really its

my fault, I shouldn't have love him

in the first place.

Harm

I don't feel like myself anymore, like somethings missing.

I don't know whats wrong anymore, I've changed in so many ways.

I've been feeling Sad, Tired, Lonely, Angry, Pissed, at everyone and myself.

I get this over whelming feeling like I'm going to cry even when I'm having

a good day, like I'll take a shower, or do some laundry or maybe

doing nothing at all and I'll just break down and cry and most of the time

I don't know why, but I never cry in front of anyone, I guess I don't

want anyone to feel sorry for me,so I do it alone at night in my room.

No one will see my tears, or hear my cry's and that's when i do the most

damage to myself. I can't help but feel like

I deserve the harm I do myself. I guess in a way I do.