Never again

So A few weeks ago, I get another message from him on my AIM. It said " Who is this?" I knew right then that it wasn't him because he knows my screen name. So I just played along and said "Who is this?" the reply said his name, So I just told them who I was and just like that they jumped down my throat and started saying " I knew it, This isn't him, its his girl, and you better stay away from him and stop talking to him" I got so mad and upset so I replied "He contacted me first!" All of a sudden she got real nice and said " oh I'm sorry, can you tell me what you talked about" as if I was going to just tell her everything. I just said nope and signed off. A few day's later he messaged me and said " You need to stop lying and telling people we are hooking up" I was so confused so I replied " What?" He told me that his girl and mom keeps telling him that I told them that we've been hooking up I told him I haven't even seen him or his family since he left. He didn't believe me and just kept yelling at me to stop my lying . I had enough at this point and said "I'm not going through this shit again, I don't care If you have nobody any more, you will NEVER come back here!" End of story I haven't heard from him since.

Help please!!!

It was out of the blue, out of nowhere. My phone just went off and a text message appeared, the message said "Hey". It was a number I didn't recognize, so naturally I replied "Who is this". The next message I received made my heart just drop, It was him. I had to hold back tears as I replied "oh um hey how are you?" in which he replied "not to well, how bout you?" I thought a minute and responded "not to well myself", then I asked him what was wrong. He told me he had no family left because finally told his mom to fuck off, in which knowing his mother he needed to, always putting him down, calling him stupid, saying he's trash. but anyway. I then asked "what about your girl?" I cringed as a wrote it. He told me he was getting sick of her. I told him, he had a good family here where I am and that everyone loved him, my mother treated him as if he was her own, the same with my father. and I, I gave him everything. He told me he wished he had never left, I didn't know what to say so I just said "you don't know the hell I went through when you left" He told me he was sorry and that he thought leaving was for the best but he's See's now that it wasn't and that he wants to come home. I told him I needed to think and talk it over with my family and most of all you guys, those who have read my posts and know what I've been through, Please I need your advice, My head is screaming "No do not let him, It'll happen again", but My heart is yelling "But you love him." What do I do?!?!

The Worlds Game

The world is changing, Time growing older, and our days become nothing but over seen reruns. Life dragged on through black and then white has lost our innocents to play, in such childish ways. Man has shed oh so many tears, through broken hearts, through misplaced years. A loss of will, a fall from grace has left us all in a curl twisted fate. Try to hold back, try to hang on but the world keeps changing and time says to move on. No more fighting, no more names, just one last tear to end the game.

Notebook

I read her notebook. A lot of the what I read

hit me at home. It sounded as though she felt the

way they way that I feel, and it scares me.

No one should feel like shit this much.

I read in her notebook that she feels safe

around me. How?!? I don't understand how or who could

find safety in me, when I'm not or ever have felt safe.

I cut myself, I have the scars, I'm not great,

I don't deserve to have to have such friends who find

so much in me when I find so little. I wish I could

help her, I wish I knew what to say, but how can I help

her take the pain away when mines so Strong?

What can I do? No one should suffer as I do,

I'm the only person who deserves nothing but pain

and hurt. And though I don't know why I deserve it,

I know I just do!

My Friend....My Sister

I miss you! You were my

best friend,pretty much

my sister.Tell me again

why we grew apart.

We've had so many

broken plans and tons

of unkept promises.

So many memories in

so many years. How

could we just throw it

away?!? Would you

still stand beside me the

day I get married as my

maid of Honor?!? Would

you cry at my funeral the

day that I'm gone, right
now those spots are empty

they were made for only you,

and if you don't stand there than

what am I to do. You were the

only friend Ihad who I know

would never leave but just

like everything else I'm wrong

about that too.

Damn the night!

Days are hard, nights even harder. Sitting alone, listening to me in my head, it's the most harmful thing. That's when I hurt myself the most, I think that I'm okay, I don't miss him at all, in fact I even HATE him.... I hate him I hate him I......love him. Damn It! I hate that I do, and I know that I shouldn't. He messed me up so damn bad, he lied to me, he broke his promises and he left me for her, I gave him my best but his best he gave to her. I'm so tried of being alone, so sick of crying. I long for his touch, for him to just hold me like he used to. I've tried everything to forget I've been sober, I've been drunk but I still miss him after all I am scaring for him.... Every night I think about it I scar a little more.

Remember December

It's been six years

since you've departed from our lives,

And I fear I'm starting to forget your face.

I close my eyes tightly,

to try and remember,

but the picture it seems has faded,

like that cold, lonely December.

Your voice is distant,

your laugh so faint

and I seem to be filled

with guilt, anger, and hate.

I hate that I'm forgetting you,

so angry to let you escape,

guilty for not remembering

and letting it all grow out of date.

Every night I dream of you,

but the memories so unclear

and all I have are memories

which fade throughout the years.

One day soon

I hope I'm standing

right there where you are,

look into your smiling face

and know just who you are.

~~~~~~~~~

For My Grandfather

December 2003