Notebook

I read her notebook. A lot of the what I read

hit me at home. It sounded as though she felt the

way they way that I feel, and it scares me.

No one should feel like shit this much.

I read in her notebook that she feels safe

around me. How?!? I don't understand how or who could

find safety in me, when I'm not or ever have felt safe.

I cut myself, I have the scars, I'm not great,

I don't deserve to have to have such friends who find

so much in me when I find so little. I wish I could

help her, I wish I knew what to say, but how can I help

her take the pain away when mines so Strong?

What can I do? No one should suffer as I do,

I'm the only person who deserves nothing but pain

and hurt. And though I don't know why I deserve it,

I know I just do!

My Friend....My Sister

I miss you! You were my

best friend,pretty much

my sister.Tell me again

why we grew apart.

We've had so many

broken plans and tons

of unkept promises.

So many memories in

so many years. How

could we just throw it

away?!? Would you

still stand beside me the

day I get married as my

maid of Honor?!? Would

you cry at my funeral the

day that I'm gone, right
now those spots are empty

they were made for only you,

and if you don't stand there than

what am I to do. You were the

only friend Ihad who I know

would never leave but just

like everything else I'm wrong

about that too.

Damn the night!

Days are hard, nights even harder. Sitting alone, listening to me in my head, it's the most harmful thing. That's when I hurt myself the most, I think that I'm okay, I don't miss him at all, in fact I even HATE him.... I hate him I hate him I......love him. Damn It! I hate that I do, and I know that I shouldn't. He messed me up so damn bad, he lied to me, he broke his promises and he left me for her, I gave him my best but his best he gave to her. I'm so tried of being alone, so sick of crying. I long for his touch, for him to just hold me like he used to. I've tried everything to forget I've been sober, I've been drunk but I still miss him after all I am scaring for him.... Every night I think about it I scar a little more.

Remember December

It's been six years

since you've departed from our lives,

And I fear I'm starting to forget your face.

I close my eyes tightly,

to try and remember,

but the picture it seems has faded,

like that cold, lonely December.

Your voice is distant,

your laugh so faint

and I seem to be filled

with guilt, anger, and hate.

I hate that I'm forgetting you,

so angry to let you escape,

guilty for not remembering

and letting it all grow out of date.

Every night I dream of you,

but the memories so unclear

and all I have are memories

which fade throughout the years.

One day soon

I hope I'm standing

right there where you are,

look into your smiling face

and know just who you are.

~~~~~~~~~

For My Grandfather

December 2003

Reacurring Nightmare!

In this dream....This nightmare, Its as if I had been asleep, I never saw myself asleep but it was as if I had been. I suddenly just opened my eyes and for some reason I was in our family's old van, with my family. I didn't know how I got there or where we were going, but everyone seemed to be sad and upset. No one said a word except the occasional word exchange from my parents. We soon pulled into a busy driveway connected to a white building that said Funeral Home on a sign outside. I've been there before. It had been the same funeral home we had used for my great grandmother, great Aunt, and grandfathers funeral. When I read the sign I thought in an instant, Oh My God! Who died? What happened? I watched in confusement and familiarity as more of my family walked in, most of which were in tears, then finally I walked in. I had to figure this out, who was it that died. I seen a podium and on it were cards with my Grandfathers name on them, and just like that it was if something had hit me, WHAT?!? I exclaimed to myself, what is going on? This has already happened, This can't be real. I had to see it for myself, I had to see him. I waited anxiously in a line of people saying there last goodbye's...again. It finally came to my turn, and sure enough I was staring into the face of my lifeless grandfather. In the casket were the items...the memories of things that the people...my family had put in with him....again. Shocked and confused I sat as the service began. I blankly listened to the words and prayers of the Pasteur....again. The Pasteur....again asked if there was anyone who wanted to say and share a few words, I watched as my second cousin Nancy got up to read a poem she had written, as she recited her poem, I mouthed some of the words for somehow I had already heard it. When she finished my mother tapped my shoulder, Startled I jumped then turned to look at her, she handed me a piece of paper and said "Go its your turn". Clueless I got up and walked to the front of the room. I looked down at the paper, then then up at my many family, some in smiles most in tears. I looked back down at the paper...the poem I had written for my grandfather. I didn't speak a word for I had already read this poem to this room of people who have never heard it before. I slowly turned my head to look at my grandfather laying in the casket, and walked over to him, I whispered to him "Whats going on? All of this has happened already. Still looking at him, I started screaming out loud WHATS GOING ON?!? WE'VE ALREADY DONE THIS! THIS AIN'T REAL! I CAN'T SAY GOODBYE AGAIN! I CAN'T! I was hysterical, my dad, mother, uncle and aunt all had to come up and drag me out of the room, Desperately trying to get me to calm down but I just couldn't. I was the only one there who had done this twice, and as they continued to try and calm me down I woke up. I was in a cold sweat and my heart was racing, It was a dream?!? It felt so real, to real to just be a dream.....but a dream I guess It had only been.

A Lost Forever

I went to bed alone again last night,

I'm slowly realizing that its going to be okay.
I know now that what we had wasn't real,
and that everything we've been through was fake.
How can Love be so blind?
He was perfect in my eye's.
I was the only one who couldn't see it,
how much damage he was doing to me.
Love is such a four letter lie,
Whats happened to Loves truth?
Trapped forever in the eye's of a stranger.
I know I'll Love him forever,
but that forever has come and gone,
and as I walk to bed alone again tonight I'll know..........
That everything is going to be alright.

One Day He will Say:

I am so blind, I did not not see

you standing right in front of me.

When you said that you loved me

I should have knew, that all I

wanted in this world was you.

You gave me everything, your

heart and devotion, All I did was

use you and play with your

emotions. You told me one

day that you would be gone.

I said yeah right, but I guess

I was wrong. I realized to late

how truly I love you, cause

your standing there with

him and just said I do.