Messed up

Things have been a little crazy and somewhat messed up, in a good way? I'm not sure. He told me things and made me new promises, my heart yells I believe you, my head screams Bull shit! I can't believe him again, I've heard it all before, nothings changed. And Although I love him more than anything, I wont fall again, I promise you and myself that I will never let him drag me down again.

Crazy Things

So you know what I said. " Goodbye to him forever. " Well about a Monday ago he showed up, no phone call, no nothing he just showed up. It took me forever to gain the courage to even leave my room to see him, but when I did... Nothing. I felt nothing, at least I thought I felt nothing. Could this mean I'm over it, over him?!? So we talked awhile and then in a serous voice I asked Why did you come back? He told me that he's been thinking about me and the way we said goodbye and that he wanted to apologize for hurting me, he also said that he's not with her anymore. I didn't care. It soon got late and I told him that its alright if he stayed. We got to talking in my room and soon he fell asleep on my bed I thought about it for a moment and then decided that it wouldn't be weird and just let him sleep with me. The next day he went home but came back the next day. And stayed a few days. See he was my brothers friend so I couldn't just say no, and besides I missed his friendship ( That's it, just the Friendship ) So Friday came around and my brother had to work and the rest of my family went shopping.... We were alone. but hey we were friends it wasn't weird. He asked what I wanted to do, I suggested a nice game of Poker, which kinda turned into a dirty game of Strip Poker. We were both down to nothing but our skin and we had to start betting other things like a kiss or something, we were on our last hand and he lost but I didn't know what I wanted, then I said " what about Sex on the water bed " (AKA my parents bed) he said if that's what you want. It wasn't passionate or loving, It was just hard core sex which may I add only lasted about five minutes, I said things I would never had said before, It was tense and it was AMAZING. When it was over I got up, looked at him and said Good Game. I didn't feel the old time butter flys or that warm feeling inside knowing I was with him. I felt nothing, It meant Nothing... To me anyway. Later I noticed him texing someone on his phone, and I kinda had the suspicion that he was still with her, and again I didn't care, If he is still with her he cheated on her with me which in a weird way makes me smile. He went home last night, said he would be back today, but even if he doesn't like I kinda think he wont, It wont matter because I'm finally okay. Oh the Crazy Things.

More Wonderful News (Not)

So now he contacted my sister, trying to get my number from her, so he can contact me. I've been through to much struggling to delete him from my life and he wants to get back in. I Don't Think So! He's hurt me to much and to many times and I've made to much progress to let him drag me back down, I'm way to much better than that and I'm finally starting to realize it. So Goodbye to him FOREVER!

The Darkness

The darkness was calling, Come with me it said, My voice was scared and tired as I asked but where? and in a soft, gentle voice it spoke take my hand and don't be afraid, you wont be alone, you'll be okay. I reached into the darkness and grasped onto its hand. I was brought en to a better place, with such a warm and happy embrace, I smiled so big and laughed so free, it was a person I once long ago used to be. The time now has come the the darkness did say, its time to live another day. The people there were so loving, and kind, I didn't want to say goodbye, but it gabbed my hand and I closed my eye's, the world got colder and I was alive, its voice was now a memory but as my eye's filled up with tears I heard a faint whisper say close to my ear, we'll meet again dear love now please don't cry, this is not our last goodbye.

A few of my Secrets (Shhhh don't tell)

People only know what I tell them,

They don't know the whole truth.

And maybe

if I just keep telling the half truth,

I'll start to believe it myself....

Instead of what really happened to me.

_____________________________________________

I stay up all night long,

until I can't even keep my eye's open,

Because I'm afraid to go to bed alone.

_____________________________________________

I sometimes blame him because

of who I've become, But really its

my fault, I shouldn't have love him

in the first place.

Harm

I don't feel like myself anymore, like somethings missing.

I don't know whats wrong anymore, I've changed in so many ways.

I've been feeling Sad, Tired, Lonely, Angry, Pissed, at everyone and myself.

I get this over whelming feeling like I'm going to cry even when I'm having

a good day, like I'll take a shower, or do some laundry or maybe

doing nothing at all and I'll just break down and cry and most of the time

I don't know why, but I never cry in front of anyone, I guess I don't

want anyone to feel sorry for me,so I do it alone at night in my room.

No one will see my tears, or hear my cry's and that's when i do the most

damage to myself. I can't help but feel like

I deserve the harm I do myself. I guess in a way I do.

No way out

I haven't slashed my arm open in about a month now, but that don't mean I haven't thought about it. Something, or someone, or maybe even myself has stopped me from doing it. But nothing will stop me tonight. I need a good lashing and my blood will spill. I know it kinda sounds like I do it because I like it but I don't, I'm just so sick of so many things and I don't know how else to deal with it all. I have nobody anymore and sometimes family's not enough. My best friend in the whole world left for college but we've grown apart months before that. I miss her so much, but she only has time for her boyfriend, and her other friends, I feel I don't even matter to her anymore. I've tried to talk to her about it but all she can say is "I've been busy." I understand that she has Homework and school, but what about all the time she has for her boyfriend or all her other better friends? Whatever it don't matter because I don't matter. The love of my life left me and doesn't even care anymore, I don't think he ever really did. He put me into this hole and every time I'm about to escape it, he or his stupid girl drags me back down. I should hate him. I should hate him so much that it hurts, but my heart says I love him so much that I can't breath. I know he'll never come back, he has her now and they have both put me through so much shit. I can't do it again. I won't. So you see I have no one anymore, not even someone to talk to. Solitude is all I feel even in a crowd or a group of my family, every ones so happy, But like I said sometimes family's not enough. There's no way out, no where to turn, no one to turn to, so I grab the blade and grip it tight.........Blood........Release!